As we find ourselves in the grip of a heatwave, the term “wave” seems a misnomer for the stifling stillness enveloping us. Here in West Wales, temperatures haven’t soared as high as in other parts of the UK, and I’m fortunate to have a cool home, along with an abundance of iced tea and lollies.
Understanding the Impact of Heatwaves on ADHD
Heatwaves can pose emotional challenges for everyone and there are some particular challenges for individuals with ADHD. The combination of high temperatures and the unique characteristics of ADHD can exacerbate existing struggles especially heightened sensory difficulties (eg. aversion to bright sunlight and body stickiness) and the worsening issues around focus and concentration. Soaring temperatures commonly lead to irritability and mood swings, and emotional dysregulation is common in ADHDers.
Demands, Obligations and ADHD
Recently, I encountered social media posts urging us to dismiss anxiety-laden news about climate extremes and instead embrace the sun. Rather than feeling inspired, I felt irritated. Ignoring the very real climate crisis while sidelining those unable to simply “go outside” due to health issues or caregiving responsibilities struck me as tone-deaf. My over hot grumpiness was in full swing!
Frustration often arises when someone tells us what we “should” do. The word “should” carries a weight of obligation that can trigger resistance. Ironically, even suggestions that might genuinely be beneficial can feel unwelcome when framed as demands. The joy of a suggestion evaporates when it feels obligatory. I find the communication framework Non-Violent Communication (NVC) helpful in this instance. It draws a distinction between requests and demands. The litmus test? How readily can the person making the request accept a “no”? If a ‘no” isn’t genuinely acceptable, it’s not a request, but a disguised demand!
Often people minimize their feelings, conditioned to believe they shouldn’t feel what they feel. These internalized “shoulds” are recognized as cognitive distortions in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and can hinder personal growth, impeding the exploration of new ideas and perspectives. They may add layers of shame and fear of judgment, making it harder to process authentic emotions.
Where do these “shoulds” originate? They can stem from caregivers, educational environments, or societal standards. For example, the pressure to conform to specific body types or income levels can lead individuals to feel like failures if they don’t meet these criteria.
Pursuing goals based on these “shoulds” rather than genuine desires can lead to burnout and disengagement.
Cultivating Authenticity in Emotional Conversations
It can be useful to unlearn some of these reflexive “shoulds”—both in ourselves and in others. In therapy, we can explore authentic wants and preferences. The challenge is to articulate true requests, welcome honest responses, and cultivate spaces where being human—messy emotions and all—is not just tolerated but embraced.
What would be more helpful for our internal dialogue? Alternatives might include could, can, would prefer, might, or would like. You might try this yourself: ask a question while scanning your body for tension, using “should,” and then repeat it, replacing it with “would like to.”
For example:
“I should eat more fruit and veg ” becomes “I would like to eat more fruit and veg. ”
Does it feel different?
How have “shoulds” influenced your emotional journey? I invite you to share your experiences or reflections in the comments below.
Now, I’m off to enjoy an ice cream. I could have two!